THE EASTER PROBLEM.

Mater. Well, dear, I suppose we must try the coast.

Pater. But wouldn't it be rather dangerous with the equinoctial gales-for the children?

Mater. Yes, I suppose it would. Well, then we might go inland-to some sheltered spot.

Pater. Better; but then the country is so dull at this season of the year.

Mater. Yes, so it is. Well, I suppose it would be too expensive to go abroad?

Pater. What, all of us! Of course it would!
Mater. On my word, I can think of nothing else.

Pater. Well, my love, while you are making up your mind I will pop across the Channel and consider the matter in Paris. [And he does!

NOT FOR AN AGE.
(From a Dramatic Romance à la P-n-ro.)

"I AM So glad to see you," cried the young girl, as the man with the brown hair tinged with grey approached her.

"Impossible!" he exclaimed, and there was sorrow in his voice. "What is there in common between us?"

"Everything," was the brief but comprehensive reply.

"You are mistaken," he continued, with a heartfelt sob; "indeed you are. I tell you that the past stands between us. I am an outcast. My friends that I have not seen for many months are no more. I am alone. The years that are gone have carried away the dreams of youth and the realities of middle age."

"You surely take a pessimistic view of the situation."

"Indeed, I do not!" he urged mournfully. "What would I not give for my past youth! If I were three years younger there might be some hope. But no, I am too old! The wings of the elderly butterfly are withered, and he no longer can flutter from flower to flower."

"I do not believe it; I cannot believe it." "But I tell you it is true. I have seen half-a-dozen pantomimes, and can remember the opera for as many seasons. I am out of date. Bond Street has forgotten me, and I scarcely know my way down Piccadilly."

"It is never too late to mend," said the beautiful girl, encouragingly.

"Your suggestion comes from a halfforgotten copy-book. No, no, it can never be. All my companions are gone. I will follow their example. I, too, will away to some desert island, where the aged can meet their peers. I live in the past. I have no power of existing in the future."

"This is cruel," cried the girl, sobbing bitterly. "Can you not see that I am dying for your proposal, that I am ready to become your wife?"

"Believe me, such a thing might have happened five years ago. But now it is too late."

"Nothing is too late-except perhaps a play in five acts, which commences at a quarter to eight, and ends at about halfpast eleven!" Then, summoning up courage, she asked the momentous question, "How old are you?"

He trembled in every limb. Then he braced himself up to go through the terrible ordeal.

"You should know-for I must disillusion you that I am a fossil of thirty!"

"It is wiser as it is," she returned, after a pause. "Perhaps May had better not mate with Early September."

And so they parted, and lived on happily for ever afterwards!

RECIPROCITY.

DEAR MR. PUNCH,-No doubt you have observed that the Chancellor of the Diocese of London has decided that Governor BRADFORD's story of the Pilgrim Fathers shall be handed over to the Ambassador of the United States. Very right and proper, and possibly other records of historical interest to our relatives across the Atlantic might be added to the log of the Mayflower, with the best results. For instance, could not that bill for SHAKSPEARE's bed be recovered and transmitted? If it were receipted (there is a certain virtue in the "if") it is sure to have been preserved somewhere. Then HAMPDEN'S ticket for America, which was never used, might be discovered and forwarded with the rest. Perhaps it would be too much to send the original of Magna Charta, but there is (if I am not mistaken) a capital duplicate at Salisbury, which might be brightened up a bit and posted to Boston. There were claims, too, against the British Government, at the commencement of the present century, for compensation for losses incurred during the War of Independence, by the Mandamus Councillors of the King. Maybe, if these were duly forwarded to Washington, they would be honoured in a fashion beneficial to the descendants of those misguided Loyalists who preferred GEORGE the Farmer to GEORGE of the Stars and Stripes. Such a gift would be something of a set-off to the Alabama Claims that were so promptly honoured in this country. Lastly (if it has not already gone). could we not send out the kind heart of the great British nation? This would be following a precedent set by Sir HENRY IRVING.

All I would suggest in return for these simple gifts is a present of a fraternal good will, an article which, wherever it may exist, is certainly not to be found in the American Senate.

I remain,

JONATHAN'S COUSIN IN ENGLAND.

A PROPOS DE BOTTES.-At a meeting of "the forward movement" of the Women's Vegetarian Association, it was said that vegetarian boots would shortly be on sale. Of course these feet coverings will be grown on boot-trees.

MAKING HISTORY.

Yo ing Squire. "AND WHAT, JOHN, DO YOU INTEND DOING TO COMMEMORATE HER MAJESTY'S GLORIOUS REIGN?" The "Oldest." "OH, I SHALL TRY TO KEEP SOBER A WEEK!"

Midnight mercifully intervened: Members instinctively turned their thoughts homeward, but not their steps. Report of Supply next order. This free from domination of Twelve o'Clock Rule; debate may go on as long as there are forty Members awake to keep it going. PHILIP STANHOPE,

A lively skirmish presaging the pitched battle that can't be long deferred.

Business done.-Mixture of Ireland and Crete; taken hot.

Tuesday night.-General disposition to regard as exaggerated the note in an eminent Frenchman's diary of his visit to an English country house. "It's a fine morning," he represents his host as saying; "let's go out and kill something."

The libel finds some support in episode in connection with occupation of Crete. After taking part in bombardment of blockhouse at Malaxa Admiral HARRIS felt irresistible impulse to go and kill something. Turks forbidden; insurgents for the moment quiet; someone suggested snipe. So whilst Europe trembles on brink of war, all its capitals throbbing with excitement, the British Admiral goes a snipe-shooting. Would never have heard of expedition only for fact that insurgents, not to be outdone in activity, tried to pot the Admiral on returning to his ship, a circumstance which to the true sportsman lends addition l charm to snipe shooting in Crete.

Question about it in House to-night. TIM HEALY puts another, which, as usual with him, goes straight to the point. "Will the Admiral in future," he asks, "confine himself to snipe shooting?" GEORGE CURZON, not having had even private notice of question, does not feel bound to answer it. House chuckled with delight at this prospect of settlement. Suppose Admirals of united fleets all go a snipe-shooting, leaving the Cretans to settle their private longstanding account with the Turks?

Debate on financial relations of England and Ireland resumed. Debate perhaps not proper name for process. It is the reading or reciting of long essays. EDWARD CLARKE, not to be quite outdone by a gentleman from Canada, spoke for an hour and three quarters against BLAKE's two hours and ten minutes. A pretty spectacle, though the performance a little prolonged. BLONDIN in his prime never so neat in execution as EDWARD CLARKE practising on the tight-rope of Home Rule, with assistance of a pole weighted it one end with "Justice to Ireland," at the other with "Unity of the Empire." So well done that when he lightly leaped down and bowed acknowledgment of applause

"Is it your pleasure that leave be given ?" asked the SPEAKER. "No." cried the guilty Ministerialists. "Yes," roared a full-throated Opposition.

Challenged for supporters, over three score Liberals rose. Leave accordingly given. SWIFT MACNEILL submitted his case, bringing guilt home to door of the doubly-absent Minister. Never in Parliamentary history was speech so effective. It literally paralysed the audience. No one rose either to further indict or to attempt extenuation. Nothing to be done but to put the question, and, motion for adjournment negatived, House proceeded to ordered business.

Thursday. SWIFT MACNEILL strode down to House to-day full of fell purpose. In spite of occasionally terrifying attitude and thunderous voice, he is one of the gentlest-hearted men in the world. Wouldn't hurt a fly, even if its Saxon birth stared through its lucent eyes and betrayed itself in the movement of its tremulous legs. But there are things which pass the limits of fabulous forbearance: The MARKISS's absence from the United Kingdom just now is one such. If he were merely the Premier, 'twere bad. If he were solely Foreign Secretary, 'twere regrettable. He is both, a Ministerial amalgam, the component parts forming most indispensable element in Cabinet.

That he should be making holiday on the Riviera whilst the dogs of war are baying round Crete is the unpardonable sin. SWIFT MACNEILL will, at whatever cost to private feelings, perform a public duty. So, questions over, he rose, asked leave to move adjournment in order to discuss as matter of urgent public importance the absence from the United Kingdom of the PRIME MINISTER and FOREIGN SECRETARY.

Painful later to observe surprise on faces of crowd of Liberal Members who had supported demand for leave to move adjournment. Standing Order requires that Members approving shall rise to their feet. Being on their legs in token of their burning desire to hear SWIFT MACNEILL'S speech, Members walked out, coming back after brief interval, surprised to find all was over.

Business done. The MARKISS narrowly escapes being sent to the Tower.

Friday.-PRINCE ARTHUR entering just now, glanced eagerly at Front Opposition Bench, scanning it in vain for towering form of its Captain. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, careful for a life dear to us all, wisely keeps to his room this bleak April day. PRINCE ARTHUR urgently wants to know how about that Vote of Censure? Nothing would please him better than to have the glove dashed down. Signs on the horizon of restlessness among his own men at news of British ships taking active part in league with fleet coercing Greeks and firing on Cretans. A Vote of Censure would close up their ranks, strengthening at home and abroad position of Ministry by overwhelming majority.

"Will you walk into my parlour?" says PRINCE ARTHUR to the SQUIRE. "Perhaps," says the wary SQUIRE. "By

and-bye. But you must really allow me to choose my own time for calling."

Business done.-In the absence of his esteemed Leader, SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE endeavoured to raise debate on Crete. Didn't raise it much.

THE MILITIA OFFICER'S VADE MECUM.

from your commission as a commander in Question. What advantage do you derive "the old constitutional force?"

I am doing my best to secure my country Answer. The satisfaction of feeling that from invasion.

Q. Is that sentiment universally influential ?

A. No; for the militia is sadly in need of officers. The roll is no less than 700 short of the authorised establishment.

Q. Leaving out of the question your conscience, do you obtain other satisfaction?

A. Scarcely; unless it be satisfactory to be sneered at by the regulars and jeered at by the volunteers.

Q. Are there not social advantages attaching to the commission of a Militiaman?

A. Undoubtedly. It is a qualification for membership to the Senior Service Clubs, but as the elder sons go into the reserve, and the younger brothers to the active battalions, the former are eligible for institutions of equal distinction.

Q. You can put your rank on your cards? A. A questionable advantage, as the grade should be accompanied, to avoid ridicule, with the number of a militia battalion-a reference suggestive of amateur soldiering.

Q. Is the training of the militia, then, mere child's play?

A. Certainly not; as a battalion manages to get through more genuine hard work in twenty-seven days than the regulars do in a quarter, or even six months.

Q. Is this fact recognised by the public and the Government ?

A. The public know nothing about it, and the Government accept it officially, and then ignore it.

Q. Does not a commanding officer take a pride in the efficiency of his militia regiment?

A. If he does, he is still haunted with the knowledge that at the first talk of war about half of his men will be drafted into the active battalion, and their places supplied by raw recruits.

Q. But surely he should be pleased to think that the militia is the nursery of the regular army?

A. He might regard the reflection with satisfaction if he obtained the slightest recognition of his patriotic unselfishness.

Q. Speaking as a patriot, how would you fill the vacancies in the commissioned ranks of the militia?

A. By causing all subalterns to pass from "the old constitutional force into the regulars, and sending back seasoned warriors into the battalions first associated with their names in the Army List.

Q. Have you any reason for believing that this scheme is the best possible?

A. Yes; as it has already been received with general approval by a body of experts meeting recently at the Royal United Service Institution.

Q. Is such a gathering as that to which you refer to be relied on for sound sense?

A. Unquestionably; when its members are permitted to speak their minds without regard to the opinions officially formulated in Pall Mall or at the Admiralty.